Title: The Courage to be Disliked
Author: Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
This book had been sitting on my shelf for months. Then I saw Betty tweet about it and decided to pick it up. I'm so glad I did, there couldn't have been a better time for me to read it than now.
The book is written in a dialogue format between a young man who was dissatisfied with life and a philosopher. When I first saw that it was written as a dialogue, I was like mehh I've never really been into plays but as I kept reading I found myself relating to most of the young man's questions, doubting the same things and confused.
Their dialogue spans for five nights and here are my biggest takeaways broken down by each night of their dialogue:
Starting from the introduction, I loved how the young man opened their discussion by asking a question we’ve all wondered at some point; "Do you believe that the world is in all ways a simple place?" It’s one of those questions that makes you pause and just like that, you know the book is about to take you deeper.
The first night of their discussion introduces us to Alfred Adler, a psychiatrist who lived in the early 20th century and whose ideas form the foundation of this book.
1. The first night: Unhappiness is something you choose for yourself
Like the young man, I found myself confused during the first night of their discussion. The philosopher makes a bold generalization, claiming that “trauma doesn’t exist” which honestly felt like a huge oversimplification to me. He quotes Adler here “No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences the so called trauma but instead make out of them whatever suits our purpose.” That was a wait, what? moment for me.
But as you keep reading, the deeper message starts to make more sense. We should stop thinking that our past determines our present and future and we are completely free in the present to choose our emotions and goals.
2. The second night: All problems are Interpersonal Problems
This chapter made me stop and think a lot. Let me quote the philosopher here "If one were alone in the universe and all other people were gone, all manner of problems would disappear.” Adler believed that all personal problems are actually interpersonal relationship problems. Think about it stress, anxiety, anger, jealousy... most of it stems from how we relate or fail to relate to others.
3. The third night: Deny the desire for recognition
Here’s where it gets a little uncomfortable but freeing at the same time. The philosopher tells the young man that in order to live authentically, we have to let go of the desire for recognition. The philosopher gives a powerful example here; imagine you’ve been picking up litter around your workplace, but no one notices or acknowledges it. Would you keep doing it? The young man admits he might stop. The philosopher responds, saying that wishing so hard to be recognized actually limits our freedom and we will end up living a version of our lives shaped by what others expect.
4. The Fourth & Fifth night: Live like you’re dancing
I feel like their final meeting pulls everything together. From their discussion on the fifth night I love the part where the philosopher says Think of life as a dance. When you dance with a partner, you may end up somewhere different than where you started, but moving from starting point to the end point isn't the goal. Dancing is the goal. Life is similar we should focus on the journey, not the destination.
Final Thoughts on Why You Need to Read this Book
The book is easy to read and the way it has been delivered being written in a dialogue form makes it accessible. It really made me question the things i believed in and discovered that we are freudian thinkers by default, It makes you see things in a different perspective so I'll recommend it to anyone looking to rediscover themselves and the way they think about the world.
Have you read this book? What did you feel about it? Let me know in the comments 😊
