to you, the person i mourn the most everyday.
I have spent so many nights trying to remember who I was before you, but every time I look back, all I can find is you, scattered through everything I became; I gave you my time, my plans, my sleep, my friends, every little dream I once kept only for myself, and I gave it all so willingly that I never noticed how much of me was disappearing until you were gone and I realized I had built my whole life around someone who could no longer come home. I still keep your things where you left them, still turn my head when I hear footsteps in the hallway, still wake in the middle of the night and reach toward the empty side of the bed before remembering, and sometimes I hate myself for how easily my heart still believes you might come back.
I sit beside your grave whenever the world becomes too loud, pressing my hand against the cold stone and wondering whether you would be angry with me for wanting to follow you, because I don't know what to do with all this love now that there is nowhere for it to go; I have spent so long giving everything to you that I don't know what is left for me, and some nights I am frightened by how little I care about finding out, but then I remember the way you used to look at me when you wanted me to keep going, and somehow that memory is still enough to make me stay a little longer. I wish I could tell you that I am ready to let you go, but I would be lying, and maybe tonight I don't want to lie to you anymore, so I'll just sit here beneath the dark sky and talk to you until the night becomes morning, pretending for a little while that somewhere beneath all this silence, you can still hear me.
for dear : @goldenkhaje
