to the one I never learned how to stop loving
I wish I could tell you that I am angry, that losing you made me resent you for leaving me here with all these words and nowhere to put them, but every time I try, all that comes out is how much I miss you, and perhaps that is the most humiliating thing about loving someone after they are gone. I still remember you in the quietest moments, when the room is dark and there is no one around to see my face change, and I let myself miss you then, because I still have a little pride left and I refuse to let the world know how often my heart reaches for someone it can never touch again.
I hope you knew how much I loved you, even when I was too stubborn to say it properly, even when I pretended I didn't care because caring that much frightened me, because you were the only person who could make me feel so completely seen and so completely vulnerable at the same time. I would give almost anything for one more conversation with you, but I won't beg the silence to answer me, and I won't pretend I am not angry that you left me with a love that has nowhere to go.
so I will carry it quietly.
I will keep your memory somewhere no one can reach, and I will let myself smile when I remember the good things, even if there is an ache underneath every smile, because loving you was never something I wanted to be ashamed of. You were mine for a while, and I was yours, and maybe that should be enough to make peace with the fact that I cannot have you anymore.
I still love you. I just won't let you know how much.
for dear : بچهژاپن
