to the one the sea still reminds me of
i came here again today, to the same stretch of shore where we used to sit until our clothes smelled like salt and your hair became impossible to untangle, and I watched the waves come in with the same careless rhythm they had when you were alive, as though the ocean never noticed that one of the people who loved it was no longer here to see it. I used to think there was something comforting about the sea, how it could hold so much and still look endless, but now I only find it cruel, because everything keeps moving here, the water, the clouds, the people walking along the shore, while I am still standing in the exact place where I lost you.for dear : @Tavishgirl
I brought your sweater with me today, though I don't know why, because it doesn't smell like you anymore and I have washed it so many times that I have probably erased the last trace of you without meaning to. Still, I held it against my chest when the wind became cold, and for a moment I remembered how you used to complain about the weather and then refuse to leave, insisting that the cold made the ocean look prettier. I wanted to laugh when I remembered that, but the sound never made it out, and I stood there with your sweater in my hands wondering how something as simple as a memory could hurt more than any goodbye.
I think I finally understand why I keep coming back here; it isn't because I expect to find you, and it isn't because I believe the sea kept some part of you for me, it is only because this is the last place where I remember being completely happy with you, before I knew that happiness could become something you mourn instead of something you return to.
so I will sit here until the sun disappears, and I will let the water erase our footprints as it always did, pretending that somewhere beneath all that endless blue, the world has kept a version of us that time cannot reach, a version where you are still beside me, complaining about the cold, laughing at my silence, and asking me why I keep looking at you as though I am afraid you might disappear.
I wish I had known to answer you.
