September is national suicide prevention month. I don't know what I'm writing or what I'm writing it for but I feel the need to write something on this occasion so brace yourselves.
This is kind of a personal topic to me and probably the most vulnerable thing I've ever shared on this little community I created.
I've struggled with suicidal thoughts when I was 17-18, at the time I thought nothing was going to work out for me and I convinced myself that my life was a dead-end street and that everyone I know would be better off without me. I was terrified of myself, I was terrified of my brain and how much it hated me, I was petrified of the idea that I was always so close to end it all with one stupid decision.
Now to be honest I never tried to do anything harmful but the ideas alone were frightening, and to make matters worse, I had a friend who was also suicidal and I always felt guilty because I wasn't able to help her with more than assuring her it all will be fine, the thought of ever losing her to suicide was haunting me (thankfully she didn't follow her fears all the way down and now she's living the life she dreamed of), nobody except her knew I was struggling, nobody even noticed and now I'm kind of thankful nobody did because it would've been hard to try and explain it all.
On the bright side though, I am here today, I'm living a life so magical my 18-year-old self would not believe it so here's to her.
If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts reach out to someone, ask for help, reach out to me through the channel's direct messages or the anonymous link, I might not know what to say but I will listen. Don't listen to those voices you hear when no one is around. Don't let fear control you. Life can and will be hard I know that but it's also worth living, nothing is worth ending your life, no rejection, no wasted love, no wasted potential, no fear, no grief, no death, not a single thing on earth is more important than the fact that YOU ARE HERE, you exist, you are full of life and no matter how hard life gets don't you ever let it be a reason you feel worthless or reach a point where you hate yourself and your life so much you want to end it.
Lastly, let me quote Robin Williams who we lost to suicide: "remember that suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems".
