I know this doesn't carry the same cheery optimistic tone that I have always made a great effort to broadcast. For that, I do apologize. I still have a lot of optimism for the future of the community. Especially as it pertains to cultivating ethical spaces and mindful zoos. I have personally seen people lift one and another up. Zoos helping others out of rough situations, people creating positive spaces, and in general having a very real and tangible positive impact on one and another. Moments like those have been so beautiful I have cried. In many indescribably precious moments, I have seen others brought to tears when they realize they are not alone.
I just can't continue sustaining the psychic damage that comes part and parcel with existing in online zoo spaces. To quote John Coffey "I'm tired, boss. Mostly, I'm tired of people being ugly to each other."
Power games, self-serving behaviors, and "zooier than thou" attitudes (not the podcast) are a few of the examples that do nothing to serve the community, and everything to harm it. People should be seeking to better themselves, their friends, and the community at large. Constantly challenging yourself, your ideals, your behaviors, and seeking to understand oneself are all critically important. Not just in the zoo community - but in life. If you ever stop, that is the death knell of personal and community growth. This goes triply so for community members keeping those that position themselves as community leaders accountable. Anyone who takes on a leadership mantle, unwillingly or not, should be constantly challenged. To accept another's influence over oneself without challenge is not community. It is cowardice.
The abject disappointment I have felt towards some community leaders and members is and was intense. I kick myself for never having spoken up at times when I should have. Or having had the courage to instigate real change. Bottling all of that up instead of expressing it in constructive ways has simply lead to a boiling undercurrent of rage. Brewing an emotional poison inside of myself that has long needed to be discarded. Regret is a powerful emotion and it runs deep in my veins. When I joined online zoo spaces, I had ambitions to improve the zoo community. Simply by existing, doing what I thought was right, and keeping an open mind when calling out things that I thought I were wrong. In some ways, I like to think that I succeeded. In others, I know that I have failed and I will carry that regret for a long time.
It has been an incredible run. I have had the privilege of getting to know some of the most amazing people. Many of whom I am blessed to call my friends. Finding so many diamonds in the rough has consistently made my existence in online community spaces worth it. Many of these diamonds have pushed me to grow as a person, zoo, and friend. I am, without a doubt, a much better person than I was. For that, I thank everyone who has cultivated spaces that I felt comfortable enough to exist in. To my friends, thank you. I appreciate you all more than words could ever say; they are an imperfect medium to express the depth of my appreciation, love, and admiration for you.
This group was my first introduction to the zoo community. I've been here and moderating since before 30 members or so. Witnessing membership milestones and doing my best to be a positive influence at every twist and turn. Fitting that ZZM is essentially my last tie to the online zoo community. I have been spending these past couple years slowly extricating myself from online spaces. In the interest of severing the last of my connections to the terminally online cesspit that can be the online zoo community, I'll be relinquishing my moderatorship and presence in the Zany Zoo Memes chat and channel.
