to the only person who ever saw me without my armor,
everyone keeps telling me how strong I am, and I have started to hate them for it, because they say it as though strength is something I can simply put on in the morning, button beneath my collar, and carry around until everyone is satisfied that I am still myself. They don't know that I have spent my whole life learning how to swallow the things that hurt, how to keep my voice steady when everything inside me is shaking, how to become the person everyone else could lean against when their own legs gave out, and they certainly don't know that there was only ever one place where I allowed myself to be tired, frightened, stupidly sentimental and completely unguarded, and that place was beside you.
You were the only person who could look at me and know when I was pretending, the only one who could take my hand without asking what was wrong because you already knew, and I think that is what hurts most now, not simply that you are gone, but that there is no one left who knows the version of me that existed when I didn't have to be strong. I still catch myself reaching for you after a difficult day, still turn toward the other side of the bed when something happens that I know only you would understand, and every time I remember that I am alone, there is this strange little silence inside me where your voice used to be. I have cried for you, but only behind locked doors, with the lights off and my face buried in the pillow, because some habits are difficult to break even when there is no one left to hide from; then I wash my face, straighten my clothes, answer when people ask if I am alright, and become the person they remember again.
But you knew better.
You knew that sometimes I needed to be held without being asked to explain myself, that sometimes I wanted to be allowed to fall apart without having someone call me broken, and I wish more than anything that I could have one more night with you, not to say anything important or beautiful, but simply to lie beside you and let myself be soft again, because I am so tired of being the person everyone thinks can survive anything, and I would give almost anything to hear you say my name in that quiet way you had, the way that always made me feel, for a moment, that I didn't have to survive anything at all.
for dear : @HooNeyDailY
