I am a person who constantly wants to become more like learn languages, read books, understand philosophy, learn coding, learn digital marketing, learn cooking, improve professionally, gain weight, improve appearance, understand relationships, understand people, understand myself .There is a beautiful side to that . It simply means i am curious . Extremely curious actually .
But Every new skill becomes evidence instead of just things i do . Every achievement becomes an argument to say “See? I am capable.”
Each achievement is to answer “Am I enough?” and yet none of them ever did and i don't think they ever will .
And achievement is incapable of permanently answering that question.
I get an A and immediately wonder about the next thing.
I can become competent and worry about whether someone thinks i am competent.
Someone can love me and i can still wonder whether they love me enough.
Someone can choose me and I can still wonder whether they'll continue choosing me.
I will think “What if I'm not enough for the person who knows me most closely?”
And if someone becomes emotionally distant, my mind may start trying to solve the uncertainty.
Why?
What happened?
Does he still love me?
Is this just a boring phase?
What does that message mean?
What should I say?
What does his behavior indicate?
I be trying to turn uncertainty into certainty.
I often want the complete explanation rather than a vague answer.
I want the whole scene.
The whole philosophical argument.
The exact meaning.
The exact procedure.
The exact interpretation.
The exact reason.
i have low tolerance for unresolved ambiguity when the ambiguity concerns my worth, belonging, or competence.
I can tolerate complexity.
I actually like complexity.
Philosophy, books, psychology, languages, films, abstract questions, i gravitate toward things that require interpretation.
So it's not that i need everything to be simple.
I need something different. Like I need to know where I stand.
If the world is complicated but my position within it is secure, I'm capable of exploring it.
But if I don't know
whether I am loved,
whether i am respected,
whether i an competent,
whether i am doing something correctly,
whether someone is judging me,
whether i am succeeding,
My mind wants to investigate until it gets an answer.
So no ,i don't just think or overthink . I ruminant .
Zas not all .
I sometimes can know when things about to happen . Sometimes it is my sense leading me . But sometimes
Tiny changes become smtn i attentively notice .
Tone
Wording
Distance
Silence
A facial expression
A strange question
A change in someone's behavior
Those are things i try to split one by one trying to find smtn.
“Pay attention. Something might be happening.”
I stopped listening to music but that part from steve song that says
' Something bad is about to happen . I don't know but i feel it coming .'
Eventually, this can become hyper-analysis.
Not necessarily because i am naturally paranoid.
But Because understanding becomes a form of protection.
If I can understand what someone means, perhaps I can anticipate what happens next.
If I can anticipate what happens next, perhaps I can prevent being hurt.
የእግዚአብሔርን ስራ ጣልቃ ገብቼ ለመስራት እየሞከርኩ ነው ልበል?
I don't care if People will leave me. I am little detached to that idea . What I do care and fear is if People will discover that I'm not as valuable as I desperately need them to believe I am and then they will have no reason to stay.
So i will thibk
“Maybe I have to earn my right to be loved, respected, chosen, and taken seriously.”
Or
Like it is not as if I am afraid of failure. It is more of I am afraid failure will reveal something permanent about me.
I want people to see me . But not too much that i disappoint them or influence them . Not too little that they mistook me with another person . i want to be seen accurately. See that I'm here. See that I'm trying. See that I'm capable. See that I'm worth staying for.
10
