This song came on the other day and I was immediately triggered and started crying. The last time I remember hearing it was in 2015, when my family and I were on a very special vacation to Hawaii, and I was sick beyond measure with “mental illness.”
What I was really experiencing was tolerance to benzodiazepines forming, because of my genetics, I metabolize benzos faster, so I would be in total withdrawal from them hours before I was due to have my next dose. The skin burning, brain zaps, feeling electrified, sleep starts like you are falling off of a cliff, hallucinations, akathasia (internal trembling) and despondency was something I endured for decades on these drugs, getting worse as I got older, reached tolerance to them and my trauma increased due to abuse in my marriage and from his family, as well as my therapist who blamed me for all wrong inside of my marriage, making me believe I was genetically flawed with “mental illness” and would need these drugs for the rest of my life.
I have now been off of all psychiatric drugs for over 8 years, and still some days my breath is taken away at the level of pain, suffering and mistreatment I experienced from professionals.
I remember on this vacation, I was barely abje to leave my room, and my light sensitivity was huge. I was shaking and could not GET IT TOGETHER. My family had left to go do excursions that day, my husband hissing at me wtf was wrong with me and get my shit together (and although he was abusive during our marriage, I don’t fault him this because he didn’t know—none of us did).
I just remember this song playing and me dancing around the room, reaching to God and then collapsing onto the floor wanting to die. My brain on fire and if you’ve experienced this, you know what I’m talking about. I so grieve for this younger version of me.
You can run DNA test to check for these, or you can figure out how to come off of the drugs like I did (I did two cold turkey withdrawals ignorantly so please don’t ask how I did it).
But my point is, if Pharma 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 cared, pharmacogenetic testing would be standard practice before people are placed onto these drugs.
But they don’t.
