The 2 Forms Of Control, And Why One Of Them Doesn’t Feel Like Control… — HeartKrafters — TG.ME

The 2 Forms Of Control, And Why One Of Them Doesn’t Feel Like Control (But It Is) I’ve found that there are two major areas in which we try to control others. Sometimes we try to control what people do, and other times we may try to control how they feel about us and react to us. While you may not be the former, you may just be the latter. Let’s take the example of Christopher and Pam. Christopher tends to focus on what Pam does—how she spends her time and who she spends it with, how much money she spends, how well she keeps the house, and how she looks. When Pam doesn’t behave in the way Christopher thinks she “should,” he becomes angry, judgmental, and withdrawn. In Christopher’s mind, he will feel loved and safe when Pam behaves the way he wants her to behave, and he feels justified in attempting to control her when she is out of line. Love for Christopher means someone doing what he wants, and he wants control over this. This is the overt form of control. This is about trying to tell someone what to do or not to do, or how to feel. Pam, on the other hand, tends to focus on Christopher’s reactions to her. Pam wants control over Christopher’s reactions by being warm, accepting, and understanding. When Christopher is judgmental and withdrawn, Pam feels unsafe and tries to control Christopher with her niceness and care-taking. Pam gives herself up and tries to do what Christopher wants in order to control his feelings about her and his reactions toward her. Eventually, when Christopher does not give her the acceptance she desires, she gets angry, but niceness and care-taking are her first choices. Love for Pam means someone being accepting of her and she wants control over this. It’s easy to see Christopher’s controlling behavior. His anger, judgments, and withdrawal are quite obvious. It’s harder to see that Pam is actually just as controlling as Christopher—not about what he does, but about how he feels and reacts. This is a covert form of control. Even if you aren’t being overtly controlling, there may be other, more subtle ways you are trying to control your partner. For example, you are trying to control if you are: Pouting, sulking Becoming ill Being dramatic Being sneaky/deceptive Lying or withholding the truth Therapizing, analyzing Dismissing Moralizing Acting like a know-it-all Lecturing, giving advice Giving disapproving sighs or looks Debating Explaining, convincing, selling Becoming self-righteous Complaining Using sarcasm See any of these patterns in yourself?