to my first, but for the last time.
this is the first letter I have ever written you, which is almost funny when you think about how much I used to talk; I could fill an entire afternoon telling you absolutely nothing, jumping from one story to another, dragging you outside because the sun was out, buying you things you didn't need, making you laugh when you were trying not to, and somehow I always had enough energy for one more song, one more walk, one more hour with you, as if being beside you had turned my body into something that didn't understand exhaustion. You used to call me your little energy drink, and I would laugh every time, never imagining that one day I would become someone who walks through the same streets with tears running down their face and doesn't even notice when people stare.
I don't know how to write to you because I have never had to speak to someone who couldn't interrupt me, couldn't roll their eyes when I rambled, couldn't reach over and wipe my tears before I could pretend I wasn't crying; I keep wanting to tell you everything that happened today, something stupid I saw in a shop window, the song that came on while I was walking, the way the sky looked before it rained, and then I remember that there is nowhere to bring all these little pieces of my life anymore. So this is my first letter, and I suppose it is also the first time I have ever had to admit that I am tired, that I don't feel like being bright for anyone, that I would give anything to hear you tell me to stop crying because you know perfectly well I will ignore you anyway, and that the person who used to bring all that light into your life is now walking home through the dark with your name in their head, crying so hard they can barely see where they are going, carrying all this love with nowhere left to put it.
for dear : @bitchycircus
